The Secret Kept From Yourself

[peppermint_shamrock]

Being secretly in love with your best friend while having to encourage her to pursue the boy she's crazy for is hard even under normal circumstances.
These are not normal circumstances.

Alya knows Ladybug's identity.
Ladybug...doesn't.

Written for ML Rare Pair Month Day 6 Prompt - Lonely

AO3 Link

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For a few months, Alya had been living the dream. She’d dutifully followed the heroes around, recording their efforts, even got personal interviews with them! Oh, they were amazing, especially Ladybug. It was hard not to fall in love with her.

Which of course, was exactly what Alya did. And that was fine, great even! Because Ladybug, as impossible as it might’ve seemed…reciprocated. It was hard to tell, of course, because Ladybug was usually only out when the city was in immediate danger, and when the city was in immediate danger, Ladybug was being professional. But there were the small things – the light blushing, the stumbling of words, the special preference Alya seemed to get when Ladybug was rescuing civilians.

And then Ladybug had kissed her.

It wasn’t much, just a peck, really, as Ladybug told her to stay safe. But at that moment, Alya knew for certain that Ladybug was interested.

It felt wonderful. Alya was giddy for days. The reporter and the superhero…what a classic couple they were! The danger didn’t scare Alya – if anything, it added a thrill to the developing relationship. Even if they couldn’t have “normal” dates, everything was just perfect as far as Alya was concerned. And it might have stayed that way, had Alya never noticed Marinette, eyes glazed-over, walking into a secluded alley. If only Alya had turned away, gone to video the Akuma wreaking havoc. If only Alya hadn’t quietly followed Marinette in concern.

If only she hadn’t seen Marinette transform.

She’d been too shocked to do anything but stay hidden where she was.

How…how could this be? How could Marinette be Ladybug? How could she keep this a secret from Alya for that long? How could she kiss her and then sit next to her the next day like nothing had ever happened?

Had Alya misread the affection entirely? Or was Marinette…toying with her?

No, Alya told herself. Marinette wouldn’t do that. She’s way too nice to…

But…Alya knew all too well how much Marinette was in love with Adrien. She’d never look twice at anyone else as long as Adrien was around.

But then, why would Ladybug kiss her?

There had to be an explanation. Clearly, Alya didn’t know Marinette nearly as well as she thought she had. And the way forward was clear. Alya needed to confront her.

So, with determination fueled by her hurt, confused heart, Alya set out to catch Ladybug alone.

Unlike previous battles, Alya kept her distance, watching and waiting. And when Ladybug and Chat Noir had defeated and freed the akumatized person, she took her chance.

“Ladybug! I want to talk.”

“Oh! Um…” Ladybug began, and held a hand to her earring as it beeped. “I’ve only got a few minutes, so…”

“Not an interview. I want to talk about…the other day.”

“Oh,” she said, a faint blush appearing on her face. Once, it would’ve made Alya ecstatic. Now, it only made her angry. Because how could she trust it? Marinette never acted like this in front of her any other time. No, only Adrien got the blushing and the stuttering and the giddy smiles. And was even that real?

Before Alya got the chance to start asking any of her many questions, Ladybug began rambling.

“I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t very professional of me, I shouldn’t have, I just…I won’t do it again if it bothered you. Not that I don’t want to k…kiss you again, or anything! I mean, if it doesn’t bother you, I…”

Alya didn’t understand. This was exactly how Marinette acted around Adrien, she could recognize it so easily now…it seemed so sincere, and yet…

“Why?”

Ladybug stopped her ramble to blink at Alya’s question. “Why?” she echoed. “Isn’t…isn’t that obvious, Alya?”

“It should be! But why like this? Why not in school? Why chase after Adrien just to turn around and kiss me?”

Ladybug frowned. Another beep rang from her earrings.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said. And damn, did she sound convincing. Just how good of an actor was she?

“Oh, don’t play dumb! I saw you transform earlier!” Alya said, frustrated. She wasn’t going to play this game, whatever it was.

Ladybug’s expression of polite confusion changed instantly to shock, then to horror. In the next instant, she darted forward and grabbed Alya by the shoulders tightly as she leaned in and spoke in a low, panicked voice.

“You saw me transform? You know who I am?” She sounded so terrified that Alya at once felt awful for yelling at her. All she could manage was a nod. Ladybug released her, and began pacing back and forth. “This is bad this is bad this is bad this is bad…”

“I won’t tell anyone, you know I won’t…” Alya tried to reassure her, recognizing her friend’s tendency to catastrophize already in full-swing.

Ladybug rounded on her, eyes wide and frantic.

“You don’t understand! No one can know who I am! No one! Not even me! Everyone, everyone is at risk of being akumatized. All it takes is once…”

A chill ran through Alya. Even the warning about akumatization fell dimly on her ears as her brain latched onto the one statement that didn’t make sense. That she didn’t want to make sense.

“What do you mean, not even you?” she asked, her throat feeling dry as her voice rose in pitch. “How…how can you not know who you are?”

Ladybug was silent as she bit her lip. Finally, after another beep had sounded from her earrings, she gave a response.

“The…it’s the kwami.”

“The what?”

“The kwami. It’s…this entity, spirit, god…I don’t know. It’s part of the Miraculous, and it’s what gives me my powers. And it…blocks out my memories of everything irrelevant to being Ladybug. And, I assume, blocks out my Ladybug memories when I’m not being Ladybug.”

“You really…don’t know…” Alya said slowly, wanting to deny it still. And yet…it explained everything, as dreadful as it sounded. “You don’t remember anyone? No family, no friends, no ties at all…isn’t that lonely?”

“I have Chat Noir,” Ladybug said. “And…and you, if…And of course, I know that I love this city and want to protect everyone in it. That’s enough, isn’t it? Enough to do my duty, and that’s what’s important.”

“Don’t you want a life of more than just duty?”

“I have one…I just can’t remember it,” Ladybug countered. “But that’s fine.”

Alya laughed bitterly.

“Fine? No it’s not. You’re not fine with it. Because if you didn’t want more, you wouldn’t be kissing me, especially not when you’ve never done it as your normal self – you’d never even consider it, not as long as he’s around…”

I…I’m sorry, Alya.” Ladybug ducked her head down and continued softly. “I can’t…I can’t answer to what I’ve done – or not done – when I’m not…like this. Whoever I am to you, I’m not her right now.”

“But…” Alya said, struggling for words. “But you are! You’re still you. I can see it now – you act just like…maybe not just like, but you’re still so much M…”

Ladybug clasped a hand over Alya’s mouth to cut her off.

“Stop! Please! You’ve already told me too much. I told you, I can’t know who I am. It’s too dangerous.” She took a deep breath and released Alya as she stepped back. “I’m sorry. But as long as Papillon terrorizes this city, it’s not safe.”

“So what happens then?” Alya demanded. “When you beat him, for good, I mean. Will you remember everything? Or will the Miraculous disappear and ‘Ladybug’ dies while you go on, never knowing that part of your life?”

“I don’t know,” Ladybug said.

“And what about Papillon?” Alya asked. “Could someone be terrorizing the city and not even know that they’re doing it‽” How would that even be prosecuted? The city would never be able to seek justice for all the hurt they’d endured, not without a very contentious debate over accountability. And that’s if they could even find him in the first place…

“It’s possible,” Ladybug admitted. “A malevolent kwami compelling him, perhaps. Or maybe he’s found a way around the memory loss. Or perhaps he’s not using a Miraculous at all. I wish I knew, but Chat Noir and I are in the dark on this one. All we know is that he wants our Miraculous, and we must not let him have them.”

Alya leaned against the nearby wall, propping herself up as her mind whirled with all the revelations of the day. It was…too much. It was all too much. Even aside from the personal stuff that left Alya feeling a mess of emotions, with no one that she could fairly blame for the hurt – it was terrifying to realize that the superheroes that the whole city looked up to, depended on, even, were just as clueless about the threat as the rest of them. Or perhaps even more so, considering that they couldn’t even draw from their memories of their everyday life…

Ladybug bit her lip. “I shouldn’t have told you even that much,” she admitted. “You can’t tell anyone about this – not about the memory block, not about the kwami, nothing. Not even to my untransformed self. Understand?”

Alya nodded. “I promise,” she said, voice choked despite her best efforts.

Ladybug looked at her with an expression of sympathy, and Alya knew that she would never be able to unsee Marinette in those eyes.

“I’m glad I can trust you, Alya. I’m sorry to have put this burden on you. And I’m sorry…that I’ve let you down as my normal self…”

“No!” Alya protested, because it wasn’t that, it was never that. “You didn’t…I just…”

But the final beep had sounded from Ladybug’s earrings, and Ladybug went slack as the suit dissolved off of her into red colored wisps of something like smoke. But somehow, Alya knew that it wasn’t smoke. If Ladybug hadn’t told her of the kwami, Alya might’ve pinned it on her imagination, but she felt that this insubstantial smoke was looking at her. Warning her.

She shivered. She didn’t know what the kwami would do to her if she tried to tell Marinette was going on, but she was certain she didn’t want to find out, either.

The smoke dissipated, but Alya had the unsettling feeling that it wasn’t really gone. It was still there, watching. Waiting for the next akumatization to deal with. What could be its motives, she wondered, as she stared at the blank-faced Marinette standing there in a trance. Whatever this kwami was, why did it interfere in the affairs of human beings? Why had it chosen sweet Marinette to become its unwitting assistant? Did she dare to try and ask?

Marinette stirred as she came to, and Alya watched her warily, looking for any sign that Marinette had any idea that something was amiss.

She was given none.

“Hey, Alya! Should we get back to our project now? Sorry, I guess I should’ve been working on it while you went out filming. Did you get any good footage, at least?”

“I…uh…no. Couldn’t keep up, this time.”

Marinette frowned. “Is everything okay? You seem upset about it…”

“I’m fine,” Alya lied, trying to force a smile. “Everything’s fine. There’ll be more chances to see the heroes in action.”

It didn’t sound convincing even to her, but Marinette seemed to accept it. Alya breathed a silent sigh of relief, and hoped she could figure out a way to hide her emotional turmoil for the rest of the day.

Marinette pulled out her phone to check the time, and immediately went into panic mode.

“Oh no! We’re going to be late for class! And then my grades will suffer and I’ll be kicked out of school and I’ll never be able to get married to Adrien and have a house and three kids and a hamster…”

Alya choked again.

“You…you’re not going to get kicked out of school,” she managed, trying to ignore the way that her heart hurt at hearing Marinette go on about Adrien. It had never been a problem before. Alya had been happy to encourage Marinette to pursue the boy of her dreams. But now…

“Still, we need to hurry!” Marinette said, and took off without another word.

Alya didn’t follow.

She couldn’t do anything. She had to sit there and listen and wingman for the girl she had fallen head over heels for while the memory of kissing her secret self played over and over in her head. And Alya could never, ever let on what she knew, no matter how much it hurt. Nor could she simply tell Marinette that she was in love with her, not without forcing them both into an awkward position. Marinette would certainly reject her, putting a strain on their friendship, and then as Ladybug would have no idea that she’d done so, leaving that relationship strained on Alya’s end. And there was not a single person she could explain this situation to or go to for advice.

Alya sunk to the ground, barely bracing herself against the wall.

“I’m in a real mess,” she muttered.

She had never felt so alone.